Movie Review: You’re Next (2013)

You're Next
Why isn’t there a studio releasing a blockbuster on Labor Day Weekend? My wife and I have been desperate to get out and see something, anything, but a OneDirection movie is the big release? Why is September the only month of the year where you can’t release a film? I get the kids go back to school, but they get Labor Day off too, so there’s no excuse for it. NONE! Sorry, sorry. I’m venting a little bit because of the lack of other options, and because I’ve seen everything else, I went and saw You’re Next (which-I might add-is running a 70% positive on Rotten Tomatoes).

You’re next is a home invasion thriller in which a family gathered for the parents’ 35th anniversary finds themselves under attack from men in animal masks.  By the time the masked killers began cutting down family members, I was thoroughly rooting for them because this is possibly the douchiest family in movie history.  I don’t know anyone who starts in this, but if they can have SAG cards, monkeys can have SAG cards.  The dialogue was horrid, but the delivery was so bad, so sub-community theater that my audience was laughing at the film within minutes.  In fact, had The World’s End not come out last week, this would be the funniest film of the year.  The pathetic thing is, it really is trying not to be.

I’m not an easy scare at movies, but the category that’ll do it, is home invasion.  The violation of your sanctuary by hostile forces.  Obviously, just like different things are funny to different people, people’s scare buttons get hammered by different triggers.  Over the last few years, Paranormal Activity 3, Sinister and-oh my sweet LORD-The Strangers, had me stalking my apartment with a butcher knife.  This movie was trying to do The Strangers with the masks.  It was trying to do (insert any horror movie here) with the “You’re Next” messages (WHICH HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE MOVIE…..AT ALL!!!).  It ends up being one of the worst, illogical, badly acted films I’ve seen in a theater.  Period.

When the family’s initial herd gets culled by the masks and their stultifying idiocy, the movie pretty much turns into a combination of Home Alone and Die Hard because the killers didn’t count on the girlfriend meeting the family for the first time being an Australian survivalist.  No, I’m explaining it better than the movie does, but feel free to be confused.  She throws a wrench in the whole works by being alarmingly good at adapting to and killing threats in unique ways.  She’s freaking John McClane without a Y chromosome.  I will say of all the bad actors in the film….she was the best least good.

There’s a twist and some other stuff happens, but my audience was having a pretty decent time MST3King the film by that point.  I haven’t been in a film where the audience turned on the movie since The Village.  This is the kind of film you’d watch to make fun of how bad it is and I’m not doing it justice.  It’s worse than I’m making it out to be.  Just because Aussie Die Hard interested me briefly, it gets half a point, but this is still the lowest-reviewed film in KT history.  STAY.  AWAY.

You're Next, You're Next Poster

Star Wars Episode VII’s Sith Lord is Benedict Cumberbatch!

Benedict Cumberbatch

More news on the rumor that broke yesterday that Benedict Cumberbatch was joining the cast of J.J. Abrams’ Star Wars Episode VII.  Badass Digest has been able to dig up exactly what he’s in the running for in the next Star Wars installment: the new Sith Lord.

The site contends that this Sith will be a major, major character whose arc would run the entire VII-IX trilogy.  It also confirms that this is the reason the actor suddenly dropped out of Guillermo del Toro‘s Crimson Peak.

This has not been confirmed by Disney or Abrams, but Abrams denied Cumberbatch was Khan right up until Star Trek Into Darkness was released so an official announcement of his casting may be forthcoming, but details may be scarce.

If this dovetails with the earlier reports we’ve received on the film’s villain from Latino Review, Cumberbatch would be playing Emperor Palpatine‘s secret apprentice that he was grooming as a contingency plan that the Skywalker crisis went sideways (which-from his point-it really did).  Ian McDiarmid would be reprising his role as Palpatine in a Force ghost form, likely serving as a mentor to this apprentice who, 30 years later, most likely has become an extremely powerful Sith.

This would be utterly fantastic.  The success of the hidden apprentice plot was going to depend on the villain and the actor.  They have one of the best actors out there if they cast Cumberbatch.  All of these rumors are extremely exciting and encouraging.  Stay tuned, because we’re going to get more and more of these pouring in.

UPDATE 9/4/2013: The New York Daily News is citing Cumberbatch’s publicist as stating he has NOT taken the role but CinemaBlend had a very interesting take on that denial over on their site.  I’m a grown man typing about who will be the next Sith Lord at 1:22 a.m. on a work night.  It’s fun just to even think about this!

Star Wars Episode VII Poster


Fan Made Poster by Lyndon Berresford

Another Great New Poster for The Secret Life of Walter Mitty and Production Stills

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Ben Stiller
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (click the link to see the trailer) has another cool poster out today that has Walter swimming with the sharks.  In addition we get some nice production stills.  This movie looks fantastic.  Just fantastic.  Mitty stars Ben Stiller, Kristen Wiig, Sean Penn, Adam Scott and Shirley MacLaine.  Official synopsis below.

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty is based on James Thurber‘s classic story of a day-dreamer who escapes his anonymous life by disappearing into a world of fantasies filled with heroism, romance and action. When his job along with that of his co-worker (Wiig) are threatened, Walter takes action in the real world embarking on a global journey that turns into an adventure more extraordinary than anything he could have ever imagined.
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Ben Stiller

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Ben Stiller

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Ben Stiller

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Ben Stiller, Kristen Wiig

POLL RESULTS: Watching Star Wars for the First Time

Star Wars, Star Wars Episode V The Empire Strikes Back, The Empire Strikes Back, I Am Your Father, Darth Vader, Anakin Skywalker

Well this month’s poll has closed and it seems there is a clear consensus about how newcomers (who have to be-at this point-newly born or closeted Martian agents) to the Star Wars franchise  should watch the films.

  • 53.85% said to watch them in the order they were released: IV-VI then I-III.
  •  Then came a confusing three-way tie for second at 11.54% between watching I-VI in chronological order (LUKE I AM YOUR FATHER…..yeah, well, clearly, thanks for the child support, Douche Vader) which I think kind of takes away the reveals of the Original Trilogy; watching Episodes III – VI only and swear that’s all there ever were (which is how I watch them now, but I’d agree with the majority for a newb); and Original Trilogy followed by creating a highlight reel of the 30 good minutes from Episodes I & II and the full III.
  • Only 7% of you thought only the Original Trilogy, despite all the prequel sniping.
  • I can get the purist argument.  But the 4% of you that said Prequel Trilogy only were clearly trying to see if I could hunt you down and fill your car with taffy.

Thanks to all the time killers who stopped by to vote and I will have another poll up for you to weigh in on soon.

Justice League: War Preview and Screens; Next WB Animated Feature

Here’s the official release notes on the next DC animated movie: Justice League: War. It’s based on the first arc of the New 52 Justice League book by Geoff Johns, and that’s going to be interesting, because there was barely any story there. It was much more about Jim Lee‘s art. There’s certainly not enough meat for a feature-length film. But we’ll see…

Warner Bros. Home Entertainment has released new details and issued official images for the next DC Universe Animated Original Movie: Justice League: War, director Jay Oliva and screenwriter Heath Corson’s adaptation of creators Geoff Johns, Jim Lee and Scott Williams’ “Justice League: Origin”. Justice League: War is set to arrive on Blu-ray in early 2014.

Official Synopsis: In a universe where Super Heroes are strange and new, Batman has discovered a dark evil that requires him to unite the World Greatest Heroes. Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Aquaman, The Flash and Cyborg unite for the first time to form the Justice League!

Justice League: War features the voice talents of Alan Tudyk as Superman, Jason O’Mara as Batman, Michelle Monaghan as Wonder Woman, Justin Kirk as Green Lantern, Christopher Gorham as The Flash, Shemar Moore as Cyborg, Travis Willingham as Shazam and Steve Blum as Darkseid. The Sam Register and James Tucker-produced DCU Animated Original Movie also features music by Kevin Kliesch.

Justice League War

Justice League War, Batman

Justice League War, Wonder Woman, Steve Trevor